I want to look different and be more assertive. I hope you can help.
Thank you for your question Jane. I’d really like to know more specifics about your first statement – ‘I want to look different’ In what context are we talking here – body confidence, need a new wardrobe or wanting plastic surgery. If it’s the latter please think long and hard about this. I am going to make an assumption and focus more on the former two.
We know instinctively that how we carry ourselves can have an impact of how others perceive us and more importantly how we feel about ourselves. One of the first steps to changing this is to understand your body shape and what suits you. In this pressured world we are given too many images about how we ‘should’ look and not helpful a real person.
Go shopping or have a session with a style consultant and understand what clothes suit your shape. Trust me the impact on your confidence level may surprise you. This can also impact on how you carry yourself. I know personally that having done this process I stand taller, walk more confidently and speak in a more assertive manner that I used to.
With regards being more assertive, let’s first be clear on what we are talking about as being assertive is not about being more aggressive and getting your own way. Put simply being assertive is about knowing you have needs and rights and so too does the other person.
When you are ‘too assertive’ your emphasis has gone solely on your needs and rights, dismissing the other person totally. When you are unassertive the scale has tipped the other way and you are dismissing your needs and rights, the focus is solely on the other person. So being assertive is about balance. To develop this, in all communications look for the scale and notice which way is it tipping? Then ask yourself ‘How can I get more balance? Whose needs require focus?’ My guess would be that much of the time you focus on others, so your challenge Jane is to look at your needs and rights and realise that they have just as much importance and value as the person you are communicating with.
Do let me know how you get on!
Remember, believe in yourself.
Jules is a leading specialist in self confidence and self belief for working women -and NEXT for Women’s resident life and confidence coach. Founder of The Confidence Garden and Lead Coach at Positive Belief, she is the only woman to reach the finals of “Britain’s Next Top Coach.” Jules has been featured on BBC radio, within the UK press, and has served as guest speaker on a variety of global telesummits. She is an inspiration to thousands of women and her talks about her own personal journey from the depths of doubt into a world of possibilities offer a fresh, positive perspective on life.